Hope

Alleluia, He is risen! Alleluia!

I caught the Easter sunrise this morning along the East Coast Park and the early morning sun recharged my body as much as this weekend did my soul. 

After my reflections this weekend, I think it can be summed up with 1 Corinthians 13: 13. "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these is love." I have faith that love with bring Easter's hope to each and every day.

And as I do every year, allow me to share my all-time favorite poem by e.e. cummings, perfect for Easter and for Every Day:

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a true blue dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any—lifted from the no
of all nothing—human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

Reflection

"Silence! Be still!" 

Suddenly the wind stopped and there was a great calm. 

(Mark 4:39)

Taken at Little Guilin, Bukit Batok Town Park in Singapore

Retreat

I promised myself a personal retreat once a year. In random order, my retreats are a time to...

• pray
• enjoy the silence
• reflect
• take stock of life
• enjoy nature
• be thankful
• daydream
• say sorry
• write
• revisit my bucket list
• slow down
• find my center (again)
• take a "vacation with the Lord"

Offline

I'm going offline for my 3-day retreat. But cool that I got started with an online recollection from www.phjesuits.org!

I'm sure I'll have great Words to reflect on this weekend.

Review

I had my mid-year review today with my manager. I've been blessed with the opportunity to work with three of the organization's most respected and dynamic leaders, and they have all been awesome managers, coaches, and role models. As such, I've always looked forward to performance review discussions... seriously! It was my first review with my current manager who I only started reporting to in January and all went well. I've had a jam-packed first half of the year and am on track to meet the year's significant goals. We took note of things to prioritize in the coming months, and also discussed my development plan.

I'm also about to start my personal "performance review" - if I may call it that. I've been going on an annual silent retreat during the Lenten/Easter weekend since 2006 and it has been one of the best gifts I've given myself. It's a time for me to get away from the world, go on a "vacation with the Lord" as Fr. Thomas Greene, SJ calls it, enjoy the grand silence, and take stock of where I am in my life, my goals, and my bucket list of dreams. It has also been a good time to plant seeds for writing ideas. The last five years have been semi-directed, with the help of a spiritual director; this year, I will attempt to do a self-directed retreat. I'll set my own pace, my own itinerary, and my own reflection points. I've found really helpful resources online to get me started, and I am really excited for this much-deserved me-and-God-and-Universe time. Much like my earlier review, I'm hoping to revisit my priorities and design my personal development plan.

Kindness

"Don't say no to kind gestures," a wise friend once said to me. "Just pay it forward."

Today I had our general manager buy me breakfast, then our senior consultant buy me lunch. I am grateful and I promise that their kindness will be paid forward.

Thank you, I and B.

Sun

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's alright...

I started my day with sun salutations at a 7 a.m. yoga class.

I hope sunflowers can somewhat brighten up an empty apartment, even if only a little bit.

I caught the last rays of light as I left the office building.

I am looking forward to my Easter sunrise this Sunday.

I love being the younger sister who looks up to her big sister, much like a sunflower follows the warmth and looks up towards the sun.

Humbled

This word came loud and clear as soon as I stepped into Church for Passion Sunday this afternoon. I am thankful for the virtue of humility embodied in a Baby born in a manger, in a King riding triumphantly on a donkey, in a Teacher mocked and ridiculed for the truth he spoke of, and in a Savior who died out of absolute love.

I am humbled knowing my life is not mine to claim, that I am vulnerable and frail, and that I too shall return to dust or stardust. I am humbled knowing life is not for us to control, but to live.

I am humbled because I am loved by my God who always hears, even if I don't always listen. I am humbled that He cares enough to reach out and knows just how to touch my heart when I need it most. I am humbled that he calls me again and again and again.

I am humbled because I do not know what to say, yet this song by Don Moen sung today was a good place to start my self-directed Lenten retreat:


Lord, You seem so far away
A million miles or more it feels today
And though I haven't lost my faith
I must confess right now that it's hard for me to pray
But I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start
But as you give the grace with all that's in my heart

I will sing
I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing, I will praise
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true
I will sing

Lord, it's hard for me to see 
All the thoughts and plans You have for me
But I will put my trust in You
Knowing that you died to set me free
But I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start
But as you give the grace with all that's in my heart

I will sing
I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing, I will praise
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true
I will sing

Wisdom

J and I spent hours on Skype with our bestest friend T who had just said goodbye to her best friend and husband yesterday. He was called home to our Father in heaven after ten months fighting stupid cancer. For a wife's Day 1 without her other half, she was incredibly strong. Through our tears, J and I listened in utmost admiration to the wisdom of complete faith, acceptance and gratitude.

They were both ready and prepared for the worst. They didn't question why it had to happen to them. They accepted that there was a grand purpose behind it all. If it meant that people would revisit their lives and relationships with their loved ones, or work towards growing closer to God, then so be it - that was his purpose in life, he had served it, and he was ready to go.

They were also grateful for what they had: nearly 10 years of a loving relationship. They are one of my most favorite couples in the world. They were soul mates in the true sense of the word, joined at the heart and hip by faith, a wonderful sense of humor, and unconditional love. T was right: so many people search for a lifetime for what they had and she was just glad that she shared the life of a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful man. Even for a brief shining moment.

And he really was wonderful. A most authentic and amazing person. I only spent a few days every other year for the last few years with him, each time I'd visit T in Los Angeles on my way to or from Pittsburgh. But because he was my best friend's best friend, he always made me feel like I knew him so well. J and I loved him the first time we met him and we gave him the BFF seal of approval. I have fond memories of him picking me up at LAX since T was still at work, our road trips to San Diego, hanging out with my other favorite couple J and J, our random and silly YM chats. Rocking out on Garage Band. Eating at Extraordinary Desserts. And when they got together and I wasn't there, he printed a photo of me and propped me up in a manila folder so that I could "join" my girlfriends at Starbucks. And just last year: eating arroz caldo with him a few nights before their wedding, watching him gaze oh-so-lovingly and intently at his bride as she walked down the aisle and stood right by him, and hugging him goodbye with a happy heart. And a few months ago, his handwritten "We love you, `Ki" sign as I video-chatted with his wife.

As I sit here listening to the Beatles (he was a huge fan!), I can smile through the tears, grateful as well that I was able to get to know him, albeit not as much as I would have wanted to. He was a man who loved my best friend with all his heart, a friend who always made me feel the world was a happier place, a dag who always made us laugh, and a brave soul who inspire all of us to live and love like there's no tomorrow. And perhaps this is my glimpse of wisdom: in this spirit of gratitude, I will be able to make sense of the sadness, knowing that my life crossed paths with his to give me hope of true and undying love.

You will be terribly, terribly missed, dear Adrian.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

And in my hour of darkness

She is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom

Let it be

And when the brokenhearted people

Living in the world agree

There will be an answer, let it be

For though they may be parted

There is still a chance that they will see

There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Yeah, there will be an answer let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom

Let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, yeah, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom

Let it be

And when the night is cloudy

There is still a light that shines on me

Shine on until tomorrow, let it be

I wake up to the sound of music

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Yeah, let it be, let it be

Let it be, yeah, let it be

There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be

Let it be, yeah, let it be

Whisper words of wisdom

Let it be

Tears

One of my best friends T just called to tell me that her husband is at his final battle with cancer. It wasn't too long before we were both crying. I wish we didn't have the Pacific Ocean between us so I could be with her right there, right now.

I called up our other best friend J who is yet another ocean away. Another round of tears. And a recollection of our happiest times when we were all together - the last being their beautiful wedding in California last Spring. And more tears. And utmost admiration for a brave and lovely man with rock-solid faith and the biggest heart possible, and an equally amazing woman of such incredible strength and grace at the worst of times.

We may be far away, man, but we are right there with you in spirit... while over in Singapore and Sweden in tears and in prayer. We love you both, always.

Champion

I interviewed two HR leaders from one of our clients today as we'd like to capture their success story in print. I love it when I meet clients who are not just loyal customers but true champions - individuals who are so passionate about what they do and how we've been able to help or support their talent development initiatives. It's a good reminder for me that we really do make a big difference in the lives of many, many people. I can't wait to start writing their story...

Strangers

"A stranger is just a friend I haven't met yet." (Will Rogers)

Meeting up with fellow Third Culture Kids is definitely a night of strangers-turned-friends. We had a TCK meet-up hosted by the lovely and uber-positive M. It was a small group of seven strangers, friends and my sister, and a pleasant evening of catching up and sharing our stories.

I'm grateful that J, one of my best friends and a fellow TCK, introduced me to the book Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds when she did. It has helped to shed light on the self and to answer many questions I had growing up.

Hearing similar stories from strangers or friends reminds me that being a TCK is a gift. I celebrate it and keep in mind a line I wrote for www.tckbookproject.com - home is where the heart is grateful.

Fourteen

I pulled another 14-hour day today. There's so much to do, in so little time. Everything seems needed right now, if not yesterday or two weeks ago. I have to remember to breathe and just take things one at a time.

I once wrote a list of top ten things that I love about my work. The thing is, though I pull 14-hour days, I think I could re-write that list and make it a list of fourteen.

I can't believe I'm three months shy of my ten year anniversary at one of the Best Places to Work. Many people can't believe it when I say I still enjoy my work.

Half

Okay, I feel really bad that I haven't kept up with this 365-day project. I just did a quick calculation and if I had kept up with writing once a day, I should have had 101 posts by today. Except this is officially only my 51st entry so I have 50 words to catch up on (gulp) plus each day's word. I'm only halfway done. Can I catch up?

I think my blah-bug from earlier this year has not completely shaken off. It seems that I am seeing more things as half-empty rather than half-full... and this blog is definitely one of them! BUT... it's Monday today and Mondays are meant for starting things... or in my case, to re-start things. I don't want to give up just yet. I will try my darnedest to catch up which means that I need to write at least 3-4 words a day for the next few weeks.

It's daunting and discouraging to think 50 is half of 100. I need to revisit the last few months and write my 50 words. But then again, there are approximately 250,000 words in the English language and 50 is only 2/10,000 of that, not half.

Write, damn it. Write like your life depended on it. Write until you're full to the brim and overflowing again.

Junk

It's amazing how much junk I've accumulated in less than three years. I spent nine hours today doing my long-overdue Spring Cleaning and ended up with several trash bags of junk to throw out and several more paper bags of junk to donate. It got me thinking: how many bags, shawls, hankies, socks and kikay kits do I really need? And I didn't even have enough time to go through my stationery, accessories and make-up yet. I'll probably end up with another bag of junk, and more realizations of all the junk I've most likely bought on impulse. It's a good thing I live in a small space; otherwise, I would have been tempted to buy even more stuff which would later become junk. Now that I've seen how much stuff I don't need, I've made a mental note of the stuff that I should not be buying more of!

I didn't just throw my junk though. I took the time to get organized with all the stuff that's left. My cabinet and wardrobe are a joy to behold with containers and organizers and separate piles to keep similar things together. I didn't go overboard with color-coding or putting them in alphabetical order (well, I haven't fixed my CDs yet), but I did put labels on boxes and even folded my trash bags! Alas, my older sister would be proud. Hee-hee.

I'm tired but I'm happy - I actually feel a lot lighter! Less junk means more space to move and less stuff to dust. More organized stuff means less time looking for things. The biggest challenge now, of course, is to keep everything in its proper place and to not buy more stuff that I don't need!

Conversations

You, me, five bucks and good conversation. One of my favorite lines out of many memorable ones from the movie Reality Bites, and a line I was happily able to use for a blog post and article for work.

I started my Saturday with an enjoyable Skype video-chat with my parents, complete with show-and-tell of my dad's chocolate chip cookies and my brother's attempt at making tutu cakes. Then I had a 2.5-hour conversation between my body and my yoga mat, between yin and yang. The anticipated Mass reminded me in a timely way that prayer is an intimate dialogue with my God and Creator. Finally, the much-awaited dessert buffet at The Chocolate Bar atop the Marina Bay Sands was overrated, but the company of my Friday Girls and our witty non-stop conversation made it yet another memorable evening.

Yup, all I need is you, me, five bucks (okay, maybe more!) and good conversation.

Ready

We're getting ready for a new product launch next month. Yesterday, I prepared a table that outlines the key marketing milestones between now and the end of the calendar year. I put in the key tasks that need to be done week on week - and it will be crazy-busy to say the least!

Am I ready? I'm definitely ready... to see the stars turn plaid. (If you get this, that means you have also seen Spaceballs.)

Balance

C and I enjoyed our first Yoga Balance class tonight. The instructor reminded us that it wasn't just about physical balance, but a combination of balancing our body, our mind and our breath. He also said that we need to learn how to fall properly; when you know how to fall, there is no need to fear.

It was a tough class to say the least, but it was a good way to visualize and actualize my need to regain balance in my life as well as to let go of whatever fears I have - of falling and of other things. "It's time to break barriers," prods C.

Now to keep practicing...

Breathe

K and I learned new breathing techniques at a Yoga Relaxation class tonight. My favorite one was the Nodi Sudhona or "the sweet breath" or the Alternate Nostril Breathing Exercise. With the thumb and ring finger on opposite sides of the nose, we inhaled through one nostril for 4 counts and out through the other for 6 counts, and repeated ten times. The instructor said this exercise helps to balance our breathing, which helps to balance our brains. I didn't quite understand what he meant so I looked it up. Here's some interesting info I found online which highlights how each breath and breathing properly make all the difference, and how awesomely interconnected the human body is.


Purpose
The body's nasal cycle is linked to brain function: when one nostril is obstructed, brain activity decreases on the side of the brain opposite it. The purpose of alternate nostril breathing is to promote health and balance by oxygenating both sides of the brain equally, so creative and logical thinking are both at their prime.


Potential
Although the point is to breathe through both nostrils evenly for balance and to be healthy, alternate nostril breathing can be used to target specific needs. Breathing through the right nostril will promote sharper thinking and more energy, while breathing through the left nostril will calm you and increase creativity.

Chicken

After yesterday's sinigang, I suddenly had a burst of this strange I-want-to-cook energy. Despite the sniffles and the sore throat, I decided to make myself some chicken soup with lots of fresh vegetables.

I bought a whole chicken from the chiller at the nearby grocery and lots of veggies: carrots, leafy greens, celery, white onions, ginger. I could already taste the soothing broth. It would be fairly easy: just boil the chicken with the onions and ginger, and once it's cooked, just dump in the vegetables for a few minutes.

Except of course before I could boil the chicken, I had to spend some time cleaning it... and removing the head and feet that were tucked inside its cavity! Eeeww. I got a bit of a shock - I was expecting a fully dressed chicken. It was my first time to cut up a chicken's head and feet, and it's not exactly my most favorite thing to do. The chicken was also a bit fatty so I removed a lot of the skin and the fat underneath. I didn't want all that guck floating in my soup and blocking my arteries. After cutting it up into the main parts, I had the water boiling and the soup simmering in no time.

The hard work paid off: as a bonus, I even had leftover boiled chicken breast which I made into chicken mayo for breakfast!

Calamansi

I made pork sinigang using freshly-squeezed calamansi. I must have squeezed more than 50 of them. It's my all-time favorite dish ever since I was a kid and it's wonderful comfort food especially now that I'm down with a bad blah bug. Yummmm...

Ironic

I didn't get to sing this at our karaoke gig tonight, but this was the song running through my head. Sigh. Why oh why? Must have been something in that pepper crab I had tonight.

An old man turned ninety-eight 
He won the lottery and died the next day 
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay 
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late 
Isn't it ironic ... don't you think 

It's like rain on your wedding day 
It's a free ride when you've already paid 
It's the good advice that you just didn't take 
Who would've thought ... it figures 

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly 
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye 
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight 
And as the plane crashed down he thought 
'Well isn't this nice...' 
And isn't it ironic ... don't you think 

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you 
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right 
And life has a funny way of helping you out when 
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up 
In your face 

It's a traffic jam when you're already late 
It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break 
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife 
It's meeting the man of my dreams 
And then meeting his beautiful wife 
And isn't it ironic... don't you think 
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think... 

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you 
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out 
Helping you out 

One

Today marks ten years since Batch 2001 marched down from The Hill and went out into the real world.

"One is First. One is Unique. One is Independent. One is All. One is Last." We have been all that and more. A decade later, where are we now?

Ps. On an interesting parallel note: Today, five months to my tenth year at work, I was struggling to write about my favorite line from U2: "We're one but we're not the same."

Spring

Today marks the official start of Spring. The few days I spent in springtime in recent years (in Pittsburgh or in California) were good for the soul - and not to mention my skin and hair too! Hee-hee.

I wish I get to have the opportunity one day to live in a country with four seasons. (Be careful what you wish for as you know it usually comes true.)

Motto

Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase
Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craze
It means no worries for the rest of your days
It's our problem-free philosophy
Hakuna Matata!
Hakuna Matata?
Yeah. It's our motto!
What's a motto?
Nothing. What's a-motto with you?

I watched The Lion King at the Sands Theater of the Marina Bay Sands tonight, and I have to say that Rafiki, Timon and Pumbaa stole the show from the lions. C and I couldn't help but quote our favorite lines ("Pumbaa, with you, everything is gas.") in between giggles before the start of show.

The production design was awesome and it was a visual feast! I'm glad we got good seats... or so I thought. Soon after the show started, a little girl behind us started her commentary (in Singlish too!) for every single scene. She was about 6 or 7 years old and it was endearing at first, but then it got really distracting ("Mummy, is he really dead? Is he?"), then annoying especially since her parents weren't telling her to stop though many were looking at them and shushing. Sigh. Tsk, tsk, tsk. What's a-motto with you??? I couldn't help it: I had to speak to the usher during the intermission and he was good to ask them to move seats. I definitely enjoyed the second half a lot more!

I've always loved The Lion King and it speaks so much on the search for one's identity and purpose. I love hakuna matata but I think I'm a worrywart at heart and can't have that as my life's motto. Reading through the long list of memorable lines from the movie, I'd choose something Rafiki said to the adult Simba as my motto: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it. 

Infinity

My dear friends and fellow nerdies B and C got married today in Tagaytay. I was happy they invited me to read at the Mass in addition to hosting the reception. We did a trivia game with multiple choice options: B, C or the infinity symbol.

In spite of everything, I still have faith in the sacrament of marriage. As an active participant with a good vantage point at the side of the altar, I couldn't help but daydream of what my own wedding day will one day be like. A solemn ceremony at Church still marks the start of a marriage: a true union of body, soul and spirit. Call me old fashioned and conservative, but I am still holding off for my one true love who will wait for me at the end of that aisle, who will love me to infinity and beyond (as I will too), and who will spend eternity with me, until death do us part. One day. Some day. All in God's perfect timing.

Congratulations, B and C! Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be part of your wedding day in a special way. I look forward to the next time we get to hang out. Here's to your happily-ever-infinity!

Journey

Today marks the start of the Lenten season, a journey of change and a journey to Love.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

What can I do (or not do) to bring me closer to Love?

Backlog

My last word was exactly a month ago on the 8th of February. I counted and now I have to play catch-up on my backlog of 27 words. Argh. I've scribbled some random words-of-the-day on my iPhone's Notes, on scraps of paper and in my head. For some days, I will have to go back and try to relive them: What happened today? What was the day's highlight? How did I feel?

I feel bad that I have to backdate; here in the blogosphere, it sort of feels like cheating. My friend D was shocked when I told her that I go back in time and post something meant for days or weeks or months ago. I choose the date so I can remember the day. And it's my blog anyway so I can do what I want. Hee-hee.

Backlog on my blog = backblog. Why did I let the month go by without blogging? No more excuses, Nikki. Writers write and if you want to  call yourself a writer, you better get back into the program.

Tomahawk

My girlfriends had been getting serious cravings for steak so tonight we went to Bedrock Grill and ordered a tomahawk steak to share between the five of us. Together with the macaroni-and-blue-cheese and the truffle mashed potatoes, the slabs of medium-well meat went so well as is or with a dab of mustard... yummmmmm. It was definitely one of my life-changing meals.

I once had a crush on a vegetarian. I'm so glad he turned out to be a jerk. Hee-hee.

History

We spent most of the day at Pearl Harbor and I couldn't help but feel a mixture of awe and disbelief that I was standing on such historic ground: where World War II started and ended, where many people made a lot of sacrifices and promises, where many dreams were shattered and later rebuilt. I got goosebumps standing on the battleship USS Missouri where Douglas MacArthur signed the surrender documents from Japan. It felt eerie and terribly heavy seeing the bullet holes on the windows of Hangar 79. I salute all the men and women who lived for what they believed in and died with honor for their countries.

I couldn't help but remember one of my history teachers saying that history is exactly that - his story. We know that there are as many stories as there are people, so are there just as many histories? There are always multiple perspectives and I couldn't help but wonder how history is told by professors in Japan. How did World War II look from their side of the Pacific Ocean? How different are the stories told on their own historic ground of Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

However different the stories, the lesson is loud: war totally divides and destroys everyone and everything in its path. Never forget, never again.

Aloha

It's our first day in Waikiki and we are loving the distinctly aloha vibe! It's fascinating how one word can capture so much of the culture and the people of Hawai'i. Here's a quick blurb from Wikipedia:

Aloha in the Hawaiian language means affection, love, peace, compassion and mercy. Since the middle of the 19th century, it also has come to be used as an English greeting to say goodbye and hello. Currently, it is mostly used in the sense of hello; however, it is used as the above. A folk etymology claims that it derives from a compound of the Hawaiian words alo meaning "presence", "front", "face", or "share"; and ha, meaning "breath of life" or "essence of life." 

We are in for an awesome week of aloha.

Green

We had our quarterly off-site team-building activity today organized the cool sales and marketing team. We dubbed it Green Day and brought the team to the Gold Class theater to watch The Green Hornet. Most everyone came dressed in shades of green as we had asked them to!

There are so many images that come to my mind with the word green. In no particular order, here are my random list of green-related words.

• Milo
• La Salle
• tea
• grass
• pistachio ice cream
• veggies
• environment-friendly
• Peter Pan
• my high school grad ball dress
• pine trees
• Brazilian flag
• Celtics
• blue + yellow
• emerald, my birth stone
• envy
• chlorophyll
• pesto
• new life

You can read more on green in its Wikipedia entry. What comes to your mind with this color?

Punch

I spent the evening with C at a cozy little rooftop bar called Mr. Punch instead of yin yoga class. She pulled out her bat signal and wanted someone to talk to. With her, I'm guaranteed good company and good conversation, and so it didn't matter that it was Valentine's Day and we were both without dates or significant others. (Or maybe because it's punched me in the face many times over and I'm so numb that I can't feel another blow. Ouch.)

Optimist

I had a long-overdue dinner date at Bella Pizza with my friend D tonight. N and D. Night and Day. The Pessimist and The Optimist.

The last time we had a one-on-one dinner was at another pizzeria in early September when we discovered just how much we were opposites of each other. We played a game that night: we'd pick a random word and take turns sharing the first thing that came to mind. With the word "ham" I thought of Toy Story while she remembered a boy she loved who loved prosciutto... but not her. To me, "football" meant family picnics watching my younger brother play soccer; to her, the game reminded her of another boy who broke his promise. "Strawberries" reminded both of us of summer trips to Baguio, but she almost immediately turned melancholic as she reminisced how that was "the freest she ever felt" in her life.

After our game of word associations and lots of laughs, she once again pronounced that I was the optimist to her pessimist. I had come to accept that role gladly, as happily as a yellow paperclip earns its bright purple spots. D's drama was always heartfelt and she insists that it's necessary to fuel her poetry. I disagreed with her and had learned to accept how she would always see the half-emptiness of things; in fact, it came to a point that I had come to expect it.

Except of course when life throws us curveballs and we're caught by surprise. Tonight, I believe we switched roles and found ourselves in each others' shoes. D was brimming - no, overflowing - with the fullness of things while I was trying to get myself out of a sinking spot. We didn't talk about ham or football or strawberries, but I couldn't help but call it to her attention how her default language was no longer that of drama. Instead, she spoke of possibilities and of hope and of all things new. D spoke of love and she was positively beaming. It was poetry come to life.

She still rolls her eyes in denial but I believe she is the true optimist. In her biggest real-life drama, D surprised us all and brought back the sunshine of Day to dreary Nights.


To D, V and Jack: I pray that the sun continues to shine on all of you, keeping your new life forever happy and bright yellow.

Lavender

Today would have been my grandma's 92nd birthday if she was still here with us. I love how she loved all things lavender and purple, how she would sniff our cheek in place of a kiss, and how she shared and lived out the dream of writing. She was the matriarch and my dad often called her the "iron butterfly" embodying both grace and strength.

I wore my favorite purple dress today. And after offering a Mass for her, I bought myself a bottle of lavender scrub.

According to folk wisdom, lavender has many uses. Infusions of lavender soothe and heal insect bites and burns. Bunches of lavender repel insects. If applied to the temples, lavender oil soothes headaches. In pillows, lavender seeds and flowers aid sleep and relaxation. An infusion of three flowerheads added to a cup of boiling water soothes and relaxes at bedtime.

Again

And just like that, the Universe conspires once again. I sought and I was found. I knocked and had doors opened.

Two emails (and an exchange of messages) from two friends changed everything. All of a sudden, two of my unresolved issues cleared up. They had been living in my head rent-free the last few months and were starting to weigh me down. But the moment I asked for help, the good Universe opened up. Again. Thank You, God... again (I say meekly, embarrassed that I didn't pray and ask for help sooner). I'm glad to have you back again (and vice-versa, I hope!), N and D!

Tonight I also enjoyed the Janet Jackson concert where she sang all of her Number One hits... again! I'm glad that "Again" and "Together Again" were part of her line-up.

Light

I started my day in our little zen garden with a bowl of strawberry yoghurt and cereal, several games of Words With Friends, and a dose of much-needed sunshine. The morning breeze helped rub the sleep away from my eyes. The fresh blue sky greeted me with a smile. It was a great way to start my Sunday, to refresh and recharge, and to jumpstart new beginnings. Now why did I never have my breakfast in my own backyard before?

"Truly the light is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is for the eyes to behold the sun." Ecclesiastes 11:7

I love my little nook but the only thing I don't like is the fact that I don't get natural light inside my studio. With or without the blinds drawn, it could be 8 a.m. or 3 p.m. and I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Sunlight has gotten much bad press but it also has many healing properties as noted in this site; I want to highlight these:

• Sunshine encourages healthy circulation. It also stimulates the production of more red blood cells which increases the amount of oxygen in your blood.
• Sunlight is one of the most effective healing agents that exists.
• Feeling down? One of the major benefits of sunlight is that it will soothe your nerves and boost your mood leaving you with a renewed sense of well-being. Sunlight increases the production of endorphins and serotonin in your brain which will definitely leave you feeling much better.
• Getting enough sunlight during the day can help you sleep better at night. If you are exposed to natural light during the day, it will increase your melatonin output at night. Melatonin is a natural hormone made by our bodies. It enhances sleep and slows down the aging process.
• The healing properties of the sun are excellent for people who are suffering from various diseases and ailments.
• Sunlight helps to balance out your hormones. It may even help to relieve certain symptoms of PMS.

After my breakfast, I hadn't had enough so my friend E and I went for lunch at The Beach Hut at the East Coast Park. We didn't sit out in the sun but getting fresh air (versus being stuck in an airconditioned room!), seeing the water, being outdoors and talking to a dear friend really boosted up my spirits. I definitely got my much-needed dose of endorphins and serotonin. (Thanks, E!)

There were no rainclouds in sight and I felt that the sunshine stayed with me the rest of the day. My sister and I had an early dinner at Wild Honey and went to mass together (which was nice and something we should do more often). Today's message made perfect sense:

You are like light for the whole world. A city built on a hill cannot be hid. No one lights a lamp and puts it under a bowl; instead it is put on the lampstand, where it gives light for everyone in the house. In the same way, your light must shine before people, so that they will see the good things you do and praise your Father in heaven. - Matthew 5: 14-16

It was literally a lightbulb in my head, a ray of sunshine through the clouds: Whatever is inside will radiate outward. As I am the keeper of my own lamp, only I can light the candle once again... or perhaps I just need to flick a switch... or maybe it's voice-activated? 

Let there be Light!

Breakdown

by Jack Johnson

I hope this old train breaks down then I could take a walk around 

See what there is to see, time is just a melody 

With all the people in the street walking fast as their feet 

Can take them, I just roll through town 

And though my window’s got a view, well the frame I’m looking through 

Seems to have no concern for now 

So for now I 


I need this here old train to breakdown 

Oh please just let me please just breakdown 


Well this engine screams out loud, centipede going to crawl westbound 

So I don’t even make a sound cause it’s going to sting me when I leave this town 

And all the people in the street that I’ll never get to meet 

If these tracks don’t bend somehow 

And I got no time that I got to get to where I don’t need to be 

So I 


I need this here old train to breakdown 

Oh please just let me please just breakdown 


I want to break on down 

But I can’t stop now 

Let me break on down 


But you can’t stop nothing if you got no control 

Of the thoughts in your mind that you kept and you know 

That you don’t know nothing but you don’t need to know 

The wisdom’s in the trees not the glass windows 

You can’t stop wishing if you don’t let go 

Of the things that you find and you lose and you know 

You keep on rolling, put the moment on hold 

Because the frame’s too bright, so put the blinds down low 


I need this here old train to breakdown 

Oh please just let me please just breakdown 


I got to break on down 

But I can’t stop now

Effortless

Like most important things in life, relationships also require effort to make them work. I don't just mean a romantic relationship; dealing with our families, friends, and colleagues require us to:

• give and take
• be there
• listen
• talk
• resolve issues
• keep in touch
• initiate conversations and get-togethers
• understand
• provide space when necessary
• be sensitive to cues
• give feedback
• sacrifice
• be at your best behavior
• surprise with kindness
• be authentic

...and so on. But because we do it out of love, it actually feels effortless. We enjoy maintaining and enhancing a relationship because it is life-giving.

Then there are relationships that require much more than what you can give freely and gladly give. I once heard the term "emotional vampires" to describe those who just take and suck the very life out of you. There are meet-ups that feel more like a chore or an obligation, rather than something you sincerely look forward to. There are "nonversations" to keep everyone preoccupied (in between using our smartphones). There are times when people fall of the radar, withdraw and hide under a rock, or are just on a completely different phase in their lives. For some, it's worth fighting for and working out and keeping in touch, even if only for those semi-annual get-togethers. For others, especially if your own efforts aren't welcomed or reciprocated, perhaps it's best to just let go and move on. Making that decision is never easy of course.

Today I am particularly grateful for two friendships that are completely real yet effortless: conversations are non-stop, sincere admiration and respect can be felt, and we are just present and authentic. To C: thank you for the cake, coffee, conversation and planting seeds to renew my dreams. To T: thank you for spending the afternoon with me, but especially for sharing your pain, showing your strength, and restoring my faith in the power of hope. You both made my day!

Next

恭禧發財

For last year's words belong to last year's language

And next year's words await another voice.

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

- T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

Deadline

I had two big items on my to-do list which kept getting pushed back. I set today as my deadliest deadline, not only because it was already really, really needed, but also because it's lunar new year's eve and I didn't want to have to work on them during the holiday. It was an unofficial half-day in the office and I didn't have anything planned except for an 8 p.m. dinner so I had a good solid 6-hour block of time in the afternoon to work in the deserted office. Without emails, meetings and calls, I sat and typed and worked non-stop. It felt so good to have two big check marks on those two must-do's.

We all have deadlines but have you heard about "dreamlines"? Author Tim Ferriss of The 4-Hour Workweek coined the term and even came up with a Dreamline Worksheet to help calculate the time and expenses required to live out one's dreams.

We all have dreamlines. There's no better time to dig them up than on the first day of the New Year.

Apple

Yes, we are definitely MFEO. :-)

Control

It's beyond my control if others don't meet their deadlines, but I know I've done my work well. I can't get the approval of everybody, but that's okay as long as I know I was on my best behavior and used my best judgment. I can't control how strong the rain pours but I can decide to wake up earlier than usual and take the train to work. I need to choose my battles, and let go of the ones I can't control.

A colleague was telling me about the book Learned Optimism and she shared how it helped her through the toughest time in her life. The book helped her to ask two simple questions: Is it permanent? Is it within you control? If the answers are "no" to both, then it really shouldn't rob us of sleep or happiness (which is easier said than done, but it can be done).

I realize the idealistic control-freak in me still has a lot to learn. 

Flow

Today's vinyasa class helped me flow through the day and into an early restful evening. The goal: to keep the early morning energy and yoga glow throughout the week.

Gifts

I received several gifts today: brunch at my sister's, perfect weather for an afternoon nap, food to bring home with me, a massage, having a good laugh splashing in the rain with a friend, good company and conversation over a late dinner, and finally, peanut butter ice cream to end the day.

But they thanked me - for coming over, for preparing dinner (well, more like toasting bread!) and bringing out place mats, for the seemingly little things... when in reality, I should be thanking them for much bigger things: the gifts of sisterhood and friendship.

Spark

My question of the day: What's the first thing or image or emotion that comes to mind when you hear or see the word SPARK? Here are the responses I got from family and friends:

• Image: an electric spark. As for an emotion: it's like my heart's melting. Aside from an electric spark, if you feel a spark with a person or a certain object, that subject starts to glow? Or everything blurs in the background, or darkens a bit and the subject is the only thing in focus in HD.
• Excitement!
• Dark... and then there's a spark!
• Inspiration
• A matchstick lighting up
• John
• Hope
• Agree... it marks a start of something exciting
• Katy Perry. See her MTV of her single Fireworks.
• A-ha moments
• A flash of genius!
• The good kind of giddy

Let these words and phrases be the spark for an exciting creative project for work!

Alliteration

Focus. Filter. Forget. The top three tips from a trusty source: the McKinsey Quarterly on recovering from information overload. I started the day with this article and tried to internalize the three words. Yes, I need to focus on what's urgent today (or what was due a week ago) and planning for future key initiatives. I need to filter what is really necessary for me to do and what I can delegate. I need to forget my highly Approval Dependent and Perfectionistic self (sometimes).

As I reflected on this word on my walk home from the office, I realize I have an alliteration in my parallel personal life. I believe peanut butter ice cream is best for pity parties with girlfriends. When times are tough and PMS-ey emotions make us feel pretty pathetic, nothing beats the blues like a pint of Ben & Jerry's. It's a tiny step to turn Blah into Bliss, "Neh" into "Yeah!"... but those are words (or sounds) for another day.

Today's word was brought to you by the letters F and P. (Hee-hee.)

Skype

Yay! My dad is finally on Skype so we had a video chat tonight. It was so good to see my folks again. A little choppy on my iPhone; better on my PC but I don't have a Webcam (fail). I think it's really time to get that MacBook Air! (I read somewhere it's supposed to be the best gadget for a writer...)

It was a good way to end yet another long day. Here's to more Skype dates!

Aujourd'hui

Aujourd'hui, j'ai vu l'opera Carmen avec mon amie C. (Today, I watched the opera Carmen with my friend C.) "Aujourd-hui" was also the word that stood out in the famous aria Habanera.

Quand je vous aimerai?
Ma foi, je ne sais pas,
Peut-être jamais, peut-être demain.
Mais pas aujourd'hui, c'est certain

I have always enjoyed going to the theater, whether it's for stage plays or musicals or dance performances or yes, even opera. Carmen -- set in Seville, sung in French with English and Chinese subtitles, put on by the Singapore Lyric Opera with French and Korean singers as the leading lady and man -- is a tragedy but C and I couldn't help but giggle and even laugh out loud at certain parts. It was just too much like real life!

Most of us have heard Habanera and I think it's awesome to finally know what it's all about! Click here for the full lyrics.



If not today... then when?

Stretch

Stretched out in Twisted Roots pose in yin class, I felt my shoulder and chest open up in a way that I hadn't felt before. I couldn't help but think: What other parts of my body (and self) do I not stretch and open as much as I should?

Unfortunately, I am nowhere near my full range of motion.

Therapy

A vinyasa class to start my Sunday. Hymns sung in my own language. Comfort food and good conversation with dear cousins. Leisurely shopping without a list. A heated pack on my lower back and shoulders just before a massage. A cup of jasmine tea to end the day.

Inexplicable

Sometimes words escape me. I don't like feeling this way.

Reboot

There are days (or weeks) when you need to just shut down so that you can reboot to refresh and recharge, and get rid of a few bugs. What better way to reboot than in Etna, my favorite Italian restaurant?

Fresh mozzarella di bufala on rocket salad, osso bucco, seafood risotto, handmade pasta with prosciutto, lemon and extra virgin olive oil, and of course, the piece de resistance, pistachio tiramisu. All this (awesome food shared and enjoyed al fresco as the sky changed color, in the company of close friends over a bottle of red) definitely makes for a good Friday, and definitely a good way to end a long week.

I am ready to shut down and reboot.

Consolidate

Most of my day was spent consolidating bits of information from multiple sources and several documents into one revised, almost-final version. But just when I thought I had all the info I needed, another question would prop up and I had to send yet another email or make another calculation. Wouldn't things be so much quicker and easier if only I had all the answers? If I had all the pieces I needed?

It's the Perfectionist in me and yes, I do recognize that it is one of my derailers. I still need to get better at letting go and asking for help. So it is at work... and with life outside of the office as well.

To consolidate is "to bring together separate parts into a single or unified whole; unite; combine." But it is also "to discard the unused or unwanted items of and organize the remaining." So if I want to feel more consolidated or more pulled-together, which pieces of me do I keep, and which do I discard? Do I need to add more pieces? With so much going on in and out of work, I need to prioritize and choose my battles. And yes, ask for help.

Reassurance

It happens all the time: just when I'm in that 'blah' state or when I'm in the midst of questioning things or when I'm teetering on the brink of seeing things half-empty, I see one. A stray, lonely paperclip catches my eye and I feel like it was waiting for me to glance that way so I could see it... and smile inside. Today, just when I needed it, I saw a silver paperclip as I walked to the MRT.

I used to play a little childish game in my head. If I see a paperclip, then he loves me back. If I see a paperclip, everything will turn out fine. I somehow felt the paperclip was a tangible sign from the Universe; my guardian angel turned into a little piece of steel, a "God-Wink" sent from heaven to reassure me that indeed all things shall be well.

Well... he never loved me back, but every time I come across a random paperclip (and in 9 out of 10 trips to new places, I am bound to see at least one!), I allow myself to regress and live out my childish daydream. Or my childlike prayer. I know it's silly but seeing paperclips is really just reassuring. All shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be well.

Amen.

Satyam

Truth: one of the eight limbs of yoga. It was a word from last night's yin class which lingered in my mind throughout the day. The objective is to think only of truths and to live a truthful life. Get real. Be authentic. Magpaka-totoo ka.

If I go deep into my innermost self, am I living the most authentic Me as much as possible? Which parts or layers do I want to strip away? Am I being true to myself? (The answers will be captured in my journal, not in this blog!)

Yin

"In yin, we prepare the sacred spaces in our bodies so that we can create sacred shapes in our bodies and in our lives. Yin is preparation. Yang is creation. Both are integral for a full life!" (I got this awesome quote from one of my sister's best friends who is a yoga instructor.)

Thanks to my weekly yin yoga class, I can look forward to Monday nights. Seventy-five minutes of me-time in long, deep stretches, each held for at least 5-7 minutes. It can be uncomfortable like pigeon (I have a bad right knee); sometimes excruciatingly painful like toe stretch; others peaceful like caterpillar; but one is totally healing - my favorite, melting heart. And especially tonight after several days of a tight and tense upper back. I could feel my connective tissues sighing in relief and gratitude.

My heart is also grateful for this time to metaphorically melt, heal and prepare itself; to make space for the More that is to come, whatever or whoever that might be. (Yes, we had a bit of PH101/102 talk after class. Thanks, C and D!)

Namaste.

Easy

"...easy as Sunday morning..."

I had such a pleasant Sunday all to myself. I slept in until 11 a.m. (considering I was home before midnight on a Saturday night!) and had a bowl of granola before going to Mass. Then I had an awesome massage at the nearby spa - my neck feels so much better and I don't have the headaches from last night anymore! I walked back home slooooowly and enjoyed the afternoon breeze. I had a $4 lunch at the coffee shop at 4 p.m. I put in two loads of laundry while I uploaded photos in between cat naps and yoga stretches. Before I knew it, my sister came by with my dad's yummy homemade raisin bread and I had two slices with chunky peanut butter. I got into my pajamas by 10 p.m. hoping I can wake up bright and early to start Monday off on the right foot.

Easy-peasy. Easy-going. Easy to please. Easily enjoyed. Easy as Sunday.

Hair

I spent more than three hours (and way too much money, haha) in the salon today. I had my hair shampooed, conditioned, towel-dried, trimmed, relaxed, steamed, rinsed, treated, rinsed again, steamed again, dried, styled... and voila! I can finally let my hair down!

I love how calm and gentle my stylist is. I love how he studies my hair oh-so-carefully before snipping away. Calvin, you rock!

Cusp

I always thought it was cool how some horoscopes had me as a Taurus, others as a Gemini. Of course I'd just choose the better one for that particular day! Then I learned that there was such a thing as a cusp. I guess I'm a perfect Taurus-Gemini cusp as I was born at the stroke of midnight. Then the news just came in today that there is a new 13th zodiac sign which bumps up all the other signs. So the final verdict: I'm still under the Taurus sign!

Cusp is a great word though. It's neither here nor there; teetering on the edge; lingering in two places; being comfortably stuck in between places, things, spaces; a happy limbo. It's not a bad place to be in... for the most part.